Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Now what?

Lately everywhere I look, I've been seeing things that say "Let it go." I've always believed in signs, and I'm getting a pretty clear message that the next step in this is for me to let everything about my husband go. Today I dropped off a bag of his clothing he'd left behind for a clothing swap. I started putting my things into his empty dresser drawers. I moved my suitcase into his empty closet. Anything that was out and visible and reminded me of him has either been thrown away, or put away, out of my sight. I cleared his stuff off of my computer (at least as much as I was seeing on my desktop). I blocked him on all of social media. I took down all of the pictures.

But the thought of actually "letting go" is daunting. Despite the fact that my anger now eclipses any warm feelings I may have had for him, I did love him, deeply, and unfortunately more than I've ever loved anyone. He had my entire heart for more than three years. I've been cheated on before. I know that took me years to fully get over when it happened with a boyfriend in the past, and that was just a boyfriend, and it was just one incident. This, with my husband, was some NEXT LEVEL SHIT kind of cheating. Breakups are always hard for me, and generally take me at least a year to really get over the person. I've never been married before, so divorce adds a whole new level to it. Then there's the emotional, psychological and verbal abuse he inflicted. That's also new for me. To admit that I was abused is very difficult. It feels shameful and embarrassing. To move beyond it, and figure out what it was in me that allowed it to happen, and to never allow it again, feels daunting.

I have a lot of shame in general. Everyone warned me, and I didn't listen. I ignored red flags. I knew in my gut that things were off, and I didn't even listen to myself. I've always prided myself on being smart and intuitive and on making the right choices and doing the right thing...and in this case, I made the biggest mistake. What's worse, I was SO SURE about my choice at the time. I have to learn to trust myself again. Right now, I really don't know how that will ever happen. I don't know how I'll trust myself or any man, ever again. I just can't see it.

I know that I need to take all of the energy and thoughts I had been putting toward him and now put it toward myself. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life, outside of what I had wanted with him, or with anyone else. It just feels overwhelming.

Tonight I'm going to light a candle and say a prayer and try to reclaim my energy, cut all emotional and energetic ties to him, and release him. If anyone has any tips, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

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