Tuesday, August 11, 2015

What was that thing about a woman scorned?

If there is any silver lining to all of this, it's that it has made me tap into a deep, unbridled anger that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. This must be what those highly-trained martial artists use to snap through concrete blocks and stuff...because I just snapped my bathroom towel rod in half. And then I threw a St. Anthony statue out the window just to hear it shatter. (Backstory, the statue was given to me by his friend whose best friend he's been cheating with for all but one month of this year. She knew all along, but rather than tell me, she sent me a St. Anthony statue to "protect my marriage." Didn't work, dumb bitch. What works is saying something like "Hey, maybe you should stop cheating on your wife, you fucking asshole!" So it was very cathartic to hear it shatter. Also, I'm not Catholic, so I'm not gonna go to hell for shattering an idol of a patron saint.)

Tonight, I realized that because his cell phone was on my phone account, I had access to his cloud storage. Apparently he didn't realize this either, but every photo he's ever taken on his phone was there. I dug deep. What I found confirmed what I already knew (that he'd been cheating and lying about it) but WOW was I unprepared for the anger I would feel upon finding pictures of them in bed together, in various states of undress, and in various states of his dick being inserted into her (seriously...he photographed that...) without a condom. He took her to his team's soccer matches. He took her on trips out of town to visit his other friends (HIS FRIENDS ALL KNEW!). He was with her on the night before my birthday, and on my birthday (when he couldn't come on the trip I planned for us because he was "helping his dad"). Every day before he came to see me, he was with her. He was with her, shirtless, on the beach.

I now regret that I filed for "No Fault" divorce. I wonder if it's too late to change that?

I hate him. I HATE HIM.

Unfortunately, this was what I needed to see to kill any hope of him changing. I almost believed him that he "never cheated on me." I thought maybe they just had an emotional affair but nothing else happened. But no.  It's also helpful that he recently gave a TV interview, answering questions about his sex life, what kind of woman he prefers in bed, how he "hates jealousy," how he's juggled four women at one time. I can't imagine how he thinks that will help his public image, and I can't imagine why his PR rep let him do the interview. But it's humiliating to me, because as far as anyone there knows, we are still married.

It's true what they say...once a cheater, always a cheater. And a narcissist won't discard you until he has new supply. He had his new supply since February. He discarded me in March. At the time, I didn't understand how he could just announce he was leaving one Sunday morning over coffee. Now it makes sense. He was already with her. She paid for his flight back. He was set.

It was the proof I needed to harden my heart against him. But wow. Just wow.

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