Now what?

Lately everywhere I look, I've been seeing things that say "Let it go." I've always believed in signs, and I'm getting a pretty clear message that the next step in this is for me to let everything about my husband go. Today I dropped off a bag of his clothing he'd left behind for a clothing swap. I started putting my things into his empty dresser drawers. I moved my suitcase into his empty closet. Anything that was out and visible and reminded me of him has either been thrown away, or put away, out of my sight. I cleared his stuff off of my computer (at least as much as I was seeing on my desktop). I blocked him on all of social media. I took down all of the pictures.

But the thought of actually "letting go" is daunting. Despite the fact that my anger now eclipses any warm feelings I may have had for him, I did love him, deeply, and unfortunately more than I've ever loved anyone. He had my entire heart for more than three years. I've been cheated on before. I know that took me years to fully get over when it happened with a boyfriend in the past, and that was just a boyfriend, and it was just one incident. This, with my husband, was some NEXT LEVEL SHIT kind of cheating. Breakups are always hard for me, and generally take me at least a year to really get over the person. I've never been married before, so divorce adds a whole new level to it. Then there's the emotional, psychological and verbal abuse he inflicted. That's also new for me. To admit that I was abused is very difficult. It feels shameful and embarrassing. To move beyond it, and figure out what it was in me that allowed it to happen, and to never allow it again, feels daunting.

I have a lot of shame in general. Everyone warned me, and I didn't listen. I ignored red flags. I knew in my gut that things were off, and I didn't even listen to myself. I've always prided myself on being smart and intuitive and on making the right choices and doing the right thing...and in this case, I made the biggest mistake. What's worse, I was SO SURE about my choice at the time. I have to learn to trust myself again. Right now, I really don't know how that will ever happen. I don't know how I'll trust myself or any man, ever again. I just can't see it.

I know that I need to take all of the energy and thoughts I had been putting toward him and now put it toward myself. I have to figure out what I want to do with my life, outside of what I had wanted with him, or with anyone else. It just feels overwhelming.

Tonight I'm going to light a candle and say a prayer and try to reclaim my energy, cut all emotional and energetic ties to him, and release him. If anyone has any tips, please let me know. I need all the help I can get.

Some light summer beach reading: a list of resources

I wanted to put together a list of some of the books I've been reading to help me through my process. I've literally read about a book every two days for the last few weeks, and many of them have been crucial in keeping me strong and helping me to move forward with my brain instead of my heart, which unfortunately, I now believe is crucial.

The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family, Eleanor D. Payson, M.S.W. 

Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, recover, and move on, Cynthia Zayn and Kevin Dibble

Narcissism: Surviving the Self-Involved (A little primer on Narcissism and Self-Care), Meredith Resnick

Boundaries: Loving again after a pathological relationship, AB Admin

Surviving the Narcissist: 30 Days of Recovery, Meredith Resnick 

Narcissist: Enter the Mind of a Narcissist, Clarence T. Rivers **I found this to be the least helpful, and actually somewhat inaccurate, but the chapter on sex with a somatic Narcissist was dead on, at least in my case, so I recommend it for that chapter, only. 

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond, Patricia Evans

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men, Lundy Bancroft. 

Women Who Love Too Much: When you keep hoping he'll change, Robin Norwood

Should I Stay or Should I Go? A guide to knowing if your relationship can--and should--be saved, Lundy Bancroft and Jac Patrissi

...and too many articles on the internet, especially the Psychology Today website, to count!

Also, I've had the guidance of two therapists, which I can't recommend highly enough to anyone who may find themselves in a similar position.