Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Well, that was fast...

My lawyer works at superhuman speeds. She just emailed me letting me know that she filed my divorce petition with the state. And upon receiving the email, and the attached document listing "my name vs. his name", I promptly began to sob at my desk...it's not even a desk, actually. It's a spot at a table in an open-concept office. So I sobbed at my spot, in the middle of everyone.

It's the right thing. My brain knows it's the right move, and the only way to be happy again, eventually, down the line. But my heart hurts. My heart never wanted this.

I didn't marry him because I wanted it all to go down in a ball of flames. I wanted him to be who I thought he was, who I knew he could be. I wanted the life I thought we'd have. I thought he was IT for me, and I thought we'd be so happy. I wanted a life and a family with him. I wanted to share everything and make memories with him and grow old together. I fought for that, as hard as I could, for as long as I could.

But it never happened. Reality never matched up with how I thought things would be. And giving up on that hope has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had so much hope. But there was only so much pain and sadness I could stand, and only so long I could wait.

I tried to call him tonight to let him know that the papers were filed on my end. He didn't answer. Just like he hasn't answered the last two times I've tried to call him. It's for the best, because the first two times I tried I really wanted him to talk me out of it. I was waiting to file for divorce until I was SURE there was no way for us to fix things. But he was too busy to talk to me, just like he always has been, and each day we didn't talk, I got stronger. And I realized that each time he was too busy for me, he reminded me of my place in his life. I never came first, and I never would. He never wanted to hear about my feelings. 

So thank you, husband, for ignoring my calls and my attempts to talk to you. You got what you wanted. You lost me, and now you'll never have to hear about my pesky feelings ever again. 

To my husband:
I wish you hadn't been too busy with friends and appearances and events to talk to me the last few weeks.
I wish you hadn't left me for a job abroad almost as soon as we finally started our life together. 
I wish you would have listened to me and empathized instead of getting angry and yelling at me every time I tried to tell you I was sad and missed you. 
I wish you would have come back when you said you would. 
I wish you hadn't declared that we had nothing in common and no future and walked out on me a few months ago. I wish you hadn't started another relationship while I was still fighting to make ours work. 
I wish she hadn't been paying for your life--no, I wish you hadn't LET HER pay for your life.
I wish you hadn't lied and tried to gaslight me and make me seem crazy when I asked you about her.  
I wish you had let me into your life--
I wish you'd let me meet your friends, go to your events, be a part of the things that were important to you.  
I wish you would have been a part of my life, and been there for me on important days and during important times when I wanted and needed you there. 
I wish I hadn't so often been alone, or a third wheel, because my husband wasn't around. 
I wish you'd shown me vulnerability instead of anger and rage and defensiveness. 
I wish that so much could have been different. 
I wish it hadn't come to this.

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