Keep Fighting.

I lost a friend over the weekend. Her death is hitting me harder than I might have imagined. I hadn't seen her in person since probably 1999, but we were in a lot of activities together in high school and sat next to each other in a few classes, and we'd reconnected on facebook in recent years. She was brilliant and hilarious and totally marched to the beat of her own drum. She also openly battled depression and addiction, and had recently gotten out of a decade-long abusive marriage to a narcissist. No one has all of the facts, but according to posts from those closest to her, she was found unresponsive last week and taken off life support on Friday.

She was one of the strongest people I'd ever met. The things she'd been through were things I can't even imagine, and she was a survivor in the truest sense of the word. Her vulnerability and openness inspired everyone around her to open up to her and share our secrets.

I realized tonight that that's why her passing is weighing on me so heavily: Emily was the first person I told about the darkness inside my marriage. She had been posting things on facebook a few years back about dealing with her husband's abuse and the depression she felt as a result, and I messaged her privately to say "I'm dealing with the same and also trying to figure out how to leave." I hadn't told anyone up to that point. Even my family and very best friends didn't know how bad things were. But I confided in Emily because she was there, too. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone, and her willingness to share made me realize that I might not be alone, either.

Because she allowed me to share what I was afraid to admit, even to myself, she helped spur me to action. I knew once I told her that I had to do something about my marriage. Even after I messaged her, I stayed in my marriage, trying to fix it, for another year. My messages to her held me accountable to myself. I kept thinking back to how I'd told someone how bad it was, and yet here I was, still in it.

I eventually got out. She did, too, in January of this year, and I was so proud of her. I felt like we were part of a club that only those who'd also been through it could understand. I was convinced that life was going to get better for her, and she just needed to sit with the pain, breathe and cry through it and keep healing. She won custody and moved into her own house with her two young boys, she'd just gotten a new job--I thought that things were finally on the upswing and I was so happy for her. But instead, we lost a beautiful, talented, loving, witty, brilliant member of the club.

Emily allowed us all to be our truest selves. She never judged, because no matter what it was, she'd been there, and even if she hadn't, she had empathy. She epitomized what I think is all of our mission in life: to share openly and vulnerably and to help others realize that they are not alone.

Thank you for holding a space for me, beautiful. You helped me get out of my marriage, more than I even realized until tonight. I'd like to think I helped you, too, but I don't think I did enough. I wish I could have done more. Your light went out way too soon, but I hope that your two gorgeous sons grow up to be just like you.

To anyone reading this: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of us have been through it. Your life makes a difference. Keep fighting.

To the judge who dismissed my divorce over a typo...

Dear New York State Supreme Court Judge [name rescinded],

I recognize that this letter is likely against protocol, and I mean no disrespect. My voice was silenced during the 3 years I spent with Mr. [name rescinded], and throughout my divorce proceedings, I've felt that my voice has been silenced again. My request now is simply to be heard.

On July 28, 2015 I filed for divorce. My lawyer advised me to file "no fault" despite the fact that I learned first via pictures and later via phonecall from the other woman that my husband had been cheating on me for over a year and had also fathered a child outside of our marriage, because proving it would be long and too costly, and I couldn't afford that. Beyond that, and perhaps more importantly, he is an abusive individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Anti-Social Personality disorder. I married a narcissist and sociopath which only became apparent many months into our marriage.

It has now become clear that my husband married me for a greencard. He is a con man who committed fraud against me and against the United States. Immediately upon receiving his greencard, he abandoned me and returned to his home country "to work." While he was there, and while I was here patiently waiting for him to come back and while I remained committed to the marriage and completely faithful, he betrayed me over the span of 11 months. He impregnated another woman, and had intimate relationships with at least three other individuals that I know of. 

I paid for our entire relationship, including his greencard and legal fees. In the entirety of our time together, he never paid a bill, never contributed to rent, and never shared in household expenses in any way. He took all of my money (I willingly gave it because I loved him), exhausted my life savings, and left me with nothing. When I'd finally had enough of waiting for him and being verbally and emotionally abused, I told him I wanted a divorce. Because I couldn't afford proper legal representation for a full court battle, I filed "no fault." I asked for nothing. I just wanted out. I wanted my life back.

Coming to terms with the fact that I was an abused wife was incredibly difficult. I'm smart. I do the right things. This wasn't supposed to happen! But I was smart enough to kick him out and file for divorce once I realized what was going on. I tried to do the right thing. I spent $3,000 on a lawyer and on international service to end the marriage. I was told that once I served him, it should be straight-forward, and because he didn't contest and didn't respond, it would be a default judgement in my favor. But over the course of the past year and a few months, I've been met with obstacle after obstacle that has prevented the divorce from actually becoming final. 

I'm still legally married to my abuser because I couldn't financially afford to file on grounds, and because of two clerical errors--the process server in his country failed to provide a physical description of him (which is understandable, since my husband is famous in his country--it's likely that the server didn't think it was necessary given that fact). You dismissed my papers then, and said that I could resubmit if I got my husband to sign an affidavit stating that he was, indeed served. So after many months, and much effort on my part and on the part of my lawyer, my ex finally signed the affidavit and got it notarized at the consulate. He had been holding on to control, and he finally relented. I was thrilled and thought that it was finally going to be over. However, when you got the affidavit, you dismissed it AGAIN, saying that the notary failed to date page three. Despite the fact that his signature was consistent. Despite the fact that his signature was notarized and dated on other pages. You dismissed it. And my case is now essentially dead in the water as my ex refuses to appear for an inquest, and I can't afford trial fees, anyway. So that's it. 

My lawyer explained that your ruling was "for my protection" because my ex could claim down the line that he "didn't know" I wanted a divorce. He's given numerous interviews to the press about how "he filed" for divorce (he didn't). About how it was a "mutual decision" (it wasn't). We have discussed it over email and in text messages. He has a new girlfriend who he is parading around on red carpets and posting plentiful pictures of on social media. There is more than enough proof to show that he, indeed, knows very well, that I want a divorce. You, for whatever reason, will not allow it.  

I'll likely never know your reasoning for dismissing my case. Maybe you were having a bad day. Maybe it's just a number to you, and you've lost sight of the fact that there are real people with real lives behind the case filings. Maybe you hate immigrants or women, and this is your way of sticking it to them passively. But let me remind you what your dismissal of my case has done, in real life:

I am still tied to my abuser, legally. Mentally and emotionally, it feels like a dark cloud that I can't get rid of. I have no closure on the relationship whatsoever, as he abruptly blocked me and stopped talking to me when I caught him in his affair. I never got an apology or acknowledgement from him of what he did, and now I can't get a legal end to the marriage. The process has brought back PTSD nightmares, as I've had to text him and communicate with him. My therapist advised me to stop communicating with him immediately, for my own mental health, yet my lawyer's retainer has been exhausted, so understandably, any more work she does on my behalf is essentially pro-bono. If I am to proceed in any way, it will be on my own, and I will have to be in contact with him and his lawyer. I am still financially responsible for him, should he choose to come back to the United States. 

I knew that marriage is a big deal, and it was one I was fully ready for at the time when I married him. But I was conned. He was a fraud, and not who he presented himself to be. I knew that a divorce wouldn't be easy, emotionally, but I didn't think it would be virtually impossible logistically. I had no idea that there would be no lenience on typos and innocent omissions, especially given the language barrier and the fact that the case crosses international lines. I had no idea that I would spend thousands more (in addition to the tens of thousands I spent throughout my marriage) trying to get rid of my abuser while getting nothing back and asking for nothing. I had no idea it would be this difficult, and I don't understand why it is. 

So here I am, over a year later, thousands of dollars poorer, and with absolutely nothing to show for it. I'm back at square one. I now either have to refile here and start a new case (and thus, spend more money do that) or allow him to file in his country, on his terms, in a language I do not speak. If I do the latter, I have to sign my power of attorney over to his lawyer, who will "represent us both." I lose all of my rights, and lose my voice. Allowing him to have that power is exactly what he wanted, and he thrives on that. It re-victimizes me, and continues the exact patterns I was trying to get out of in filing for divorce in the first place.

While this may have been just another case number to you, this is my life. I feel unable to move on. It feels like the biggest mistake of my life that I just cannot erase, no matter how hard I try. It's exhausting, mentally, emotionally, and financially. And all over a notary at a consulate in a foreign country who forgot to date one page of a document. 

Judge, I know you will not read this, and I know that this letter changes nothing. If you had wanted to grant me a divorce, you would have. But, for whatever reason, you didn't. I just hope that you understand the life behind the case number, and understand that your dismissal is allowing spousal abuse, even from afar, to continue. 

Sincerely,

The Plaintiff 

The first time we broke up

I recently came across my old journal I kept with my therapist. I would write her an entry, and she would respond, in-depth and amazingly, to each one. Here was something I wrote in September 2014, when I first realized that I actually didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me. I share in hopes that it will help to spark that recognition in one of you who may be experiencing something similar. Let me tell you bluntly what it took me two years to realize--being verbally abused is NOT OK, NOT SUSTAINABLE, and it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

September 4, 2014, 11:50 am

A lot has changed in the last week. There is an aspect to my husband that I've always realized but only recently really admitted to myself - he is verbally and emotionally abusive. I constantly feel like I'm walking on eggshells around him, trying not to upset him, yet many days, any little word I say (or don't say) or thing I do (or don't do) sets him off, and he begins screaming at me. When he explodes, he's generally over it five minutes later, but I'm not. It devastates me, and sometimes takes me days to get over. I've been reading a lot about verbal and emotional abuse, and he really displays almost all of the signs, especially the more subtle ones. I mention this because everything came to a head over the weekend. I was at my parents house (honestly,because I didn't want to be alone for another holiday weekend, because I knew I would get sad). Saturday he asked if he could skype with my sister and brother in law to say hi, but we were out at dinner and then going out for drinks after that, so I told him it wasn't a good time but we could do it tomorrow. He was angry. Sunday when I called him and said "Hey, do you want to skype now? We're all around!" 

I apparently interrupted the commentary on the soccer game he'd just watched, and he EXPLODED at me "I'm watching the commentary! YOU KNOW I LOVE THIS! DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO JUSTIFY WATCHING THIS TO MY WIFE?!" 

I said no, and that it was fine, we could talk later. Then he said he could turn skype on, but he wouldn't talk until the show was over in two hours, and at that point I was going to be leaving, so I said "No, it's fine, this is your priority right now, watch your show." 

Then he exploded again "YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS AND BE A NICE GUY, AND IT'S JUST NOT WHO I AM!" 

So I said "Ok, you're making that clear."

We hung up, and it was all I could do not to cry. I knew I didn't deserve to be treated that way. Since I was at my parents house, I did my best to hold it in and not talk about it (they already hate him, for a lot of reasons--I didn't want to give them one more). Then my dog threw up, and I started uncontrollably sobbing. My mom said "You seem really stressed..." and I told her everything I'd been holding back. I sat on the floor--literally, on the kitchen floor--crying for 3 hours, and my parents said if I hadn't mentioned it, they were going to talk to me. They saw that he's verbally abusive and controlling and on top of that, seems to never consider my feelings in his decisions, and they urged me that it won't get better, and they fear for my safety. I didn't sleep at all that night. Monday morning he texted to say "Hate to argue, but i'm sorry if I made you sad last night." I asked when a good time to talk would be, because I didn't want to interrupt again, and he called me immediately. I said "I'm really hurt and confused...last night I had a breakdown, and I don't deserve to be treated like that." and he immediately jumped to "So, what, do you want a divorce? Are we separated? HERE, I'LL TAKE MY WEDDING RING OFF RIGHT NOW!" and I said "I don't know, I just need some time to think," and he said "No, things are either working or not, I don't give anyone time...I'll just take my ring off and put it here, and you let me know what you decide." I was devastated. I never intended or imagined things would go downhill so quickly, or over the phone. It seems like he just wanted an out. 

September 8, 2014, 2:18 pm

So, I talked to him last night (I know, I know.) It was his "deadline" he so generously gave me as to decide if I wanted a divorce or not, and I wanted to tell him, in no uncertain terms, that I wanted a divorce. It didn't go well. He said he can't believe that I don't have the "respect" for him to just wait until he comes back. I told him my plan all along was to wait for him to come back, but then he put in question if he was even coming back, and then when I told him that I wanted to wait and see how things went prior to this current conversation his response was "So what, you'll make me spend $600 on a flight and then just dump me?" Everything gets turned around. The truth is, I'm having such a hard time because I DON'T want a divorce--it's the last thing I ever wanted. But I don't see any other way. I know he's not going to change and magically become the sweet, caring guy he once was. I know it's not just an issue of distance anymore. And now I can't even picture myself wanting to be in the same room with him. I don't even think that therapy would help him. When I point out to him that he's verbally abusive, he laughs at me (the irony is that he's currently playing a physically and verbally abusive husband on the soap--and getting rave reviews, I might add). He says he's researched all about it, and he's not that. I said there are different degrees of it, and it doesn't just mean men who call their wives "pieces of shit" and who hit them (that's his concept of it). And when I told him that he manipulates my feelings and emotions, again, he turned it around and said "NO I DON'T!" (dismissing me right there!). I know there is no hope for him and no hope for us. I know I will never be happy with him. I know I won't ever get past the hurt that I already feel, and I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with him and trust him ever again. Plus, now that I've realized that what he has been doing is actually abuse, I'm afraid of what it could turn into. I know he's beaten our dog--the poor puppy used to pee in fear when he'd see him, and I watched him hit him (and then yelled at him and told him it was the most disgusting and unattractive thing I've ever seen--he stopped, as far as I know). I know he's hit ex-girlfriends, and I know that his dad told me that one ex had a restraining order. I just don't know what he's capable of, and i know I'm not special. I know if he felt justified, he'd hit me, too. I don't know why I would even think about letting him come back. I know nothing will change. But there is a big part of me that DOES feel awful about doing it over skype/the phone. Plus I know it gives him more fodder to tell people what a horrible wife I am for dumping him from abroad "while he was just trying to work for money for us." I told him I needed more time and that I would let him know when I've come to a decision, and I said it might be weeks or months. I know what I need to do, but when I talk to him, I just lose my resolve, because I remember how much I love(d) him and how he can be reasonable from time to time, and then I feel like the jerk. In the meantime, I've cancelled the wedding we were going to have here (lost my $2000 deposit). I took him off my insurances today, so that will be another $300 in my check every month. I'm doing everything to protect myself. I just need to strengthen my resolve to not let him come back, even though prior to this past week it's all I ever wanted.

Another anniversary

Exactly a year ago today, my (now almost ex-)husband told me he wasn't sure if he wanted to be here in America with me anymore, out of nowhere, after being back with me for exactly 6 days having been gone for the 11 months prior.

Exactly a year ago tomorrow, he discarded me first thing in the morning, telling me that we had no future and nothing in common, and informed me that he was leaving me and would be getting on a flight later that day to return to his country.

Exactly a year ago on Wednesday, I walked into my brand-new job, because I didn't know what else do to with myself.  My life had been shattered the day before, and I'd only had this job for 3 weeks and didn't want to skip out before my first month was up. My boss casually asked me how my weekend was, and I started to uncontrollably sob.

"I guess maybe I shouldn't have asked that?" he said.
"I've had better weekends," I replied, not sure how much I should tell my brand new manager, but also not wanting to come off as if he'd hired an utter crazy person. "I'm sorry, it's just that my husband left me yesterday."
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine. If you need to not be here, or take off early, or come in late, just let me know."
"Thank you."

It's kind of remarkable how much has changed in a year.

I'm in a great, healthy relationship now with a truly kind, empathetic, caring, remarkable man. I no longer cry daily, sometimes I go many weeks at a time without crying. The weight I lost because I was physically unable to eat for the better part of 2015 has begun to come back, and my appetite is fully back. The unmanageable cystic acne that exploded all over my face, chest and back because of the stress, beginning in late 2014, is now just scars--it's sort of symbolic how now all that remains of all of it is just scars, that only time can heal. I just got promoted at work. My boss and I have a wonderful working relationship, I think partly because I had to divulge so much about my life so early on. He asks me for regular updates on how things are going in my life, and genuinely cares that I'm healing. Everybody comments on my strength and how my entire aura has changed since my toxic husband left my life. I'm happy and calm. Life is peaceful. I laugh again. I smile. My sense of humor is back. My divorce is sitting with the courts--after months of worrying about the fact that he wasn't signing the papers and was threatening to sue me for "psychological damages" and demanding that I not speak to friends, family, or the press in his country. His time to contest ran out, he didn't do anything, and now it defaults in my favor. The best part is, his greencard I paid for and did all of the work for expires next week. I doubt that he realizes this.

I haven't spoken to him since August 2014, though his friends and the other woman have reached out to me to tell me "how much he loves me" and how he "deserves a second chance." I told them that I gave him NUMEROUS chances, and he blew them all by lying and gaslighting me. The other woman tried calling me 13 times in a row about a month ago, across 4 different mediums. I'm finally at a point where I really, genuinely don't care what she had to say or why she was calling. My boyfriend picked up the phone, told her he'd just gotten this number, and he had no idea who the woman was that she was asking for. She hasn't called since.

He texted me in December to say he wanted to talk, but he wanted it to be on his terms. I delayed in responding, and said I had nothing to say but I would listen to whatever he wanted to say. Finally weeks later, I said I would talk. He never responded. I've made peace with the fact that I will never get an apology or even an acknowledgement of what he did, from him, and even if I did, he wouldn't mean what he said anyway. He only wanted "to talk" to get a response out of me. Once he did, his need to control me was fulfilled, and he didn't respond. Just one more game. But I'm done with the games, and fully done with ever trying to speak to him. There is just no point.

It's been a stressful, emotional year, but I could have never imagined that I would be in the place I am now a year ago. Life seemed like it was over. I could barely get out of bed, and often cried as soon as the alarm went off in the morning. I thought I had lost my chance at love and at ever having a relationship or a family. I thought I was too old to start over and didn't want to. Now the future seems brighter than ever, and my outlook on life is hopeful again.

It gets better, and in a way, I think I had to be totally knocked down to rebuild and figure out what I needed and focus on myself, because I'd spent so much time and money and energy focused on him.

There is love and life after a sociopath destroys your life, friends.

How I knew it was time to go

There are many listicles out there giving readers "20 Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist" or "10 Ways to Know You are Being Abused." I can say with certainty that I read essentially all of them over the last three years, yet I wasn't really to fully accept them until I started to create my own list.

One night in June 2015, I stayed in a hotel after I'd discovered what I believed was my husband having an affair (which turned out to be true, even though he never admitted it). That night, I stayed up, alone, in my hotel room, writing out every reason I could think of to leave him, and every reason I could think of to stay.

I came up with 29 compelling reasons to divorce him and only one reason to stay ("1. I love him").

Here's the incomplete list of reasons I decided to leave. I urge anyone in a similar situation to come up with their own lists...and let me know in the comments if any of these hit home for you:

1. He lied to me time and time again, while looking me in the eyes, sometimes while crying. He is an excellent liar, and does it with no remorse.
2. He ignores me over and over again because he's out with other women
3. He tried to gaslight me and make me feel crazy and guilty for asking questions about the other woman (which would have worked, if I hadn’t snooped.) I CAN NEVER TRUST HIM, EVER AGAIN.
4. Things have started to get more physical. When we got into the first argument over the other woman, and I told him I didn’t want to be with him, I asked him to please pay me for his cell phone, since I had been paying for it and he had been using it to have an affair. He said he wasn’t going to pay a penny because the divorce wasn’t his idea. So I said “Ok, I’m going to turn your phone off right now then.” As I sat at the computer to do that, he threatened to throw the monitor. “It’s expensive,” he said. I told him to do it, and he’d go to jail, because I would call the police for abuse. I really thought he might do it. The following week, we weren’t fighting, and things were ok, but I was sitting on the couch. He took his lighter and flicked it three times in my crotch. I yelled and told him to stop and it wasn’t funny. He got angry at me for that, because “How did I burn you?! You can’t even feel it! You’re being a child!” A few minutes later, I was laying watching tv, and he threw his passport at me, hard, hitting me in the face on my cheekbone, just under my eye. I flipped out at him, and he swore it was an accident, and was angry that I was angry. THIS IS HOW PHYSICAL ABUSE STARTS. IT ESCALATES.
5. The sex is not just terrible and unfulfilling, but actually physically painful. And then he tells me how many women he’s been with, and how none of them have ever cared about coming, and no one else has ever complained before, and sex should be all about the journey and I shouldn’t have to come every time (except that I come never--or when I DO take charge and come, he can’t stay hard and completely checks out).
6. We only have sex when he declares it. He'll exclaim things like "Suck my dick," and then get angry if I say no or call him out on how ridiculous it is for him to do that. He doesn’t respond to my advances, denies me, calls me a pervert or a nymphomaniac. And when he wants it, it doesn’t matter if I’m turned on or not. He enters me without turning me on, even when I tell him not to or pull away. He refuses to do anything I like, and then turns it against me saying that I should be “all about giving” and I should just let him do what he wants because it turns HIM on even if I don’t like it or it doesn’t turn me on.
7. I can’t talk to him. I can’t share my feelings with him. My feelings are always viewed as an attack on him, no matter how gently I word things, and how careful I am with his feelings. He then attacks me back. This is the worst when I am crying, being so vulnerable, pouring my heart out, and he calls me “immature” and a “baby.”
8. My friends and family all hate him. Also, he says that I can hang out with my friends, but when I try to, he then can’t believe that I’m not inviting him, that I would leave him alone, that I don’t want to make him a part of my life...which brings me to:
9. He actually uses my own direct words against me, but not well. When I complain that I feel like I’m not part of his life, he will then use those exact words later that day or the next day, but against me, and completely out of context. It’s clear he’s just making shit up to try to get to me, but it doesn’t even fit the situation.
10. He doesn’t want to actually share his life with me. He sees his life as HIS life, and I’m not a part of that. We are only allowed to have “our” life, but that doesn’t involve him sharing any part of HIS life with me (wouldn’t take me on set, won’t introduce me to colleagues or friends, wouldn’t let me mention why he was here when I was applying to auditions for him).
11. The entire time we were together he applied to exactly zero jobs, neither acting or otherwise. He claims he’s depressed, yet he had no sympathy for my own depression but expects me to have it for him.
12. He wants to have free reign to hang out with and make new single, female friends. It’s a huge source of contention. I WILL NEVER BE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT, yet when I express my discomfort, he calls me a "crazy, jealous bitch" and reminds me how much he "hates jealousy."
13. He has not contributed financially, to anything, EVER. The only thing he paid for was my gym bootcamp.
14. He believes that if I’m strong or in control, he is “my bitch” and he gives me attitude accordingly. This is the hallmark of an abuser. HE DOES NOT SEE US AS 50/50. HE SEES THAT HE MUST BE IN CONTROL, OTHERWISE HE IS “WEAK.”
15. He does not know how to be physically gentle or comforting. He tells me he hates holding hands. He never kisses me passionately (and never has). At most he gives a peck. When I literally ask him to hold me, he won’t. Being with him in person is physically not much different than being 3000 miles away.
16. He continues to call me “immature” and “insecure” and says I’m just “afraid of being alone.” He continually brings up my weight and how I should be exercising and how I’m just “bitter about fit, healthy people.”
17. He beats our dog for the tiniest of things, as "punishment," to the point that the dog pees when he sees him come near him. I could never, ever have a child with him, and I think his animal abuse is absolutely appalling and disgusting.
18. He will always do whatever he pleases, regardless of how it affects me. He will leave and come into my life when he pleases, despite how his leaving affects me and our life "together." He would be (and is) a father who leaves his children.
19. I feel constantly stressed, tired, drained around him. He disrupts my sleep (literally, he comes in and shakes me awake, just to wake me up, and then laughs and leaves the room).
20. He is violent in his sleep and hurts me.
21. He says he wants nothing to do with my friends or family, doesn’t give a “flying fuck” what they think, said he would watch my best friend die and walk away from her if she needed help.
22. He went from never giving me gifts on occasions (birthday, Christmas, anniversary--never) to giving me gifts he got for free to giving me gifts which are just awful or ones that HE wanted and then took for himself.
23. He’s not willing to go to therapy. He thinks it’s stupid. “We should just be adults.” And the one time I did get him to go to therapy, he used it to prove that he was right and I was wrong. Didn't view it as a team effort--still viewed it as a way for him to "win."
24. I’m getting physical symptoms from the stress of being with him. Acne, new rosacea, loss of appetite, actually retching and vomiting from stress. I lost 30 lbs because I can't eat.
25. He is not nice. He is hyper critical of everyone. He makes rude comments to everyone. He treats waiters terribly. I’m constantly apologizing for him and embarrassed by him.
26. I need a “safe space to grow.” He is not safe and is not interested in becoming safe.
27. He blames me for everything. No matter what, it’s my fault. He will not take any responsibility for anything.
28. I get nothing out of the relationship--no physical needs being met, no emotional needs being met, no financial help, we disagree on spiritual matters...I'm not being supported in any way.
29. I deserve to have the love I give be returned. I deserve a real partner and a real marriage.

I am not ok

Not gonna lie, life is pretty rough right now. 2015 has been, by far, the worst year of my life. I'd like to punch life in the face.

My dog is sick. That maybe doesn't sound that bad, but my dog is my constant companion. Last fall, when I was starting to feel suicidal, he was literally the only thing that got me up in the morning. I would not have gotten out of bed, much less out of the apartment many days, were it not for him. And even his illness is indirectly related to the divorce. For a little while, he had someone with him 24/7 while my husband was here. When he left, it went back to me being home really only nights and weekends, and the dog being left home alone for most of the day. After a few weeks of that, he got increasingly bored, and started getting into more and more trouble, which included eating about 50% of the bathroom garbage three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I was on my period. You do the math. 

As a result, my dog has been puking and pooping out bits of tampon applicators, wrappers, and pantiliners for the last three weeks. Just when I think the last of it has come out, I find more. Yesterday, he had explosive diarrhea all day long, and then at 2am, he added projectile vomiting. He vomited up what appeared to be two entire tampon applicators, but google told me that vomiting + diarrhea are potential symptoms of intestinal blockages in dogs, so I threw on clothes, called an Uber car, and took him to the dog ER at 4:30am. 

Upon arrival, he promptly pooped all over the waiting room, and then flipped the fuck out on the two lovely vets who tried to examine him (because he had a HORRIBLE vet experience two weeks ago when I tried to take him to a local vet, who traumatized him, charged $300 and did nothing). They muzzled him and had to sedate him with opiates to take xrays. The xrays were inconclusive, and the vet said that he would need more tests and to be hospitalized, just to be safe. Safety, in this case, would cost $2,500. I cried, right there, while talking to the vet. "I'm going through a divorce and I can't afford anything and I haven't slept and I'm a mess and I'm really sorry!" Ultimately I made the choice to bring him home and monitor him myself. So right now I have a very high dog who has hardly moved all day long. 

There is an added layer of bitterness in that my husband left me with the dog, as much as I love the dog and wanted to keep him. I never wanted to be a single pet parent. I purposefully never got a dog because I knew I didn't have the money or the time to put into a dog. Yet my husband bought him as a "surprise" for me, moved himself and the dog in with me, and then he promptly left me "for work," leaving me to take care of the dog alone. And now that he's gone for good, I have another 10 years to take care of this dog, alone. And having just spent my entire savings on an "uncontested divorce" (more on that in a moment", I really didn't have the $2,500 to spend on putting my dog into inpatient hospital care for a few days. 

Then there is the uncontested divorce I paid for. My lawyer made it clear that my (sizeable) retainer fee covered only an uncontested divorce, meaning that my husband and I both agreed to it and weren't asking for anything from each other. If it got more complicated than that, or if she had to negotiate with his lawyer, I would owe 4x what I've already paid to continue it.

Naturally, he is contesting the fact that I filed "no fault" (meaning he did nothing wrong...yeah, I filed that before I knew JUST HOW MUCH he'd done wrong) and am asking him for nothing. Though I could rightfully ask for 50% of household expenses for the last three years, plus 100% of his greencard fees that my family and I paid for plus 100% of my legal fees, I'm asking him for nothing. And he's fighting me.

In order to sign, according to his lawyer, he wants:

1. Me to make all of my social media private.
2. A "formal apology" to be issued to all of his friends and family, as well as to him himself, for "ruining his reputation"
3. Me to contact the mother of his son in order to "normalize relations" between the two of them (even though their "normal relation" was no relation at all, and has been that way for years)
4. Me to sign something stating that I will not contact the media to tell my story
5. Me to sign HIS divorce papers, so that he doesn't have to pay to have mine translated and notarized in order to be recognized in his country.

So basically, he's still trying to control me, my behavior, and my speech. He's TERRIFIED that people close to him might begin to realize who he really is, so he essentially wants me to sign a gag order. He's blaming me for his ex-girlfriend cutting off communication between him and his son. Personally, I think she is totally justified, but I never suggested that nor had anything at all to do with it. Her decision is her decision, and it's between the two of them. It's still all about him and what's best for him. Because of course it is. Only he would put up a fight and make me stay married to him unless he can guarantee that he can control my behavior.

Well, he can't. I refuse to sign anything. I'll start from square one and re-file with grounds of adultery and abuse if I have to. Then it will be public record, and there's nothing he can do about it. I have all the proof I need. The only thing I don't have is the money to do it. 

Then there is my job, which has traditionally been the bright spot in my life lately. Today it was announced that a majorly high-up person was leaving to pursue other opportunities, which means that a bunch of people are getting shuffled around, my boss included. I don't know yet how it will affect me and my responsibilities, but I know it will. And I was just getting into a routine, which was nice since my brain has been anything but focused the last few months. Now everything is uncertain. After I listened to the conference call where the announcement was made, I cried.

It's all just too much. I was supposed to take a vacation next week, which is DESPERATELY needed, but now with my dog being sick and potentially needing surgery, I don't know if that's going to happen. Plus, I can't afford it anyway, but was doing it for me, to try to heal. 

Life needs a swift kick in the groin right now. 

Mine!

My friend who is the mother of a toddler posted this tonight:

I realized that it is also exactly how a narcissist views all of his relationships. 

Today, my husband had his lawyer threaten to sue me for "psychological damages" to him for talking to his friends and family. That's right. He's still trying to control me, and keep me from talking about him to anyone, which, granted, he successfully did for three years. But now that I'm going rogue and contacting his friends and family to thank them for their kindness to me, and mention that I'm really sad about the way things happened, and that learning the truth was worse than I could have imagined, but I'm still happy I got to meet them...now he is FLIPPING HIS SHIT that his cover is being blown to those closest to him. 

Here is an excerpt from the letter my lawyer and I received from his lawyer today (her English is not great):

"Mrs. [my name] decided to break the electronic correspondence of her husband, his friends and family, and developed a campaign of intimidation, blackmail and threats. Indeed, she disclosed aspects of the private life of our Client, she talked to the mother of his son, who from that moment, prevented the contact of our Client with his son and threatened to use the media to undermine professionally. Now all these attitudes have created serious psychological damage and damage to the image of our Client, that if Mrs. [my name] do not stop immediately and do not send to all the people who contacted, a formal apology and equal request to our Client, will be the subject for compensation in action brought for that purpose. I hope that with the good offices of the Honorable Colleague to regularize the behavior of your Client, all this issues can be resolved in a civilized and concordat way the matter of divorce."

I like that I had a "campaign." It feels so...presidential. The best part is the part about the mother of his son. Yes, I did email her. And it was fantastic. I had never spoken to her in the three years we were together, but I thought about her often. I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for her to have him leave her while she was 7 months pregnant. And the more he revealed himself to me, the more I had utter empathy for her, and wanted to let her know that it wasn't her. What's really great, is that she let me know that her husband had already adopted their son, their son already has her husband's last name, and their son calls her husband "daddy." What's more, I know that my husband hadn't seen his son in person since 2012. He almost never paid child support. And she had restricted the amount she allowed their son to see him on Skype, and at the point when he and I were last together in person, he hadn't Skyped with him in over three months. Yet he got his lawyer to believe that this was all because of me. And wants to sue me for it! 

It's really amazing. But it's also proof that he really did see his relationships as his and his alone. Nothing was shared. I was not allowed to interfere, or even HAVE a real relationship, with any of his friends (or mine, or my family, for that matter). He was always afraid that I would talk about him...that his mask would get cracked, and that people might begin to hear the truth and see him for who he really is. 

So, I was successful, I guess, in making him LOSE HIS SHIT at the prospect of his cover being blown. I actually didn't smear him to anyone. I was way more respectful than I wanted to be, and far more respectful than what he deserves. I didn't go to the press, even though I could have--and still can--and still might. I do have pictures of him with his girlfriend, pictures of him fucking her and holding her. The evidence is clear-cut. 

In fact, if he wants me to issue a "formal apology" (HAHAHA! NO.) to his friends and family, I COULD tell everyone the entire story, and attach the pictures. And my apology would read something like this:

"I'm sorry that your son/friend is a psychopath. 

I'm sorry that he's had/has you fooled, just as much as he had me fooled. 

I'm sorry that he fathered a child with another woman outside of our marriage, and now he's freaking out a little bit. He must be really hard to deal with right now.

I'm sorry that ever doubted what I knew to be true in my gut, even for one second.

I'm sorry that I continued to give him endless chances to hurt me, lie to me, and betray me, for the last three years.
I'm sorry that I gave everything I had to him emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and financially, and he gave me absolutely nothing in return.

Here's a picture of his dick in her twat. 

I'm sorry it's so veiny and ugly, and I'm sorry her vagina kinda looks like an alien face."

So much changes in a year

A year ago today, I took the trip which made me realize that my marriage was over.  I hadn't seen my husband in 4 months, because he was working overseas. So I booked a flight early on to visit him at the midway point of his assignment.

In the days leading up to my trip to see him, I felt a sense of dread. Every time we spoke in those days and weeks before I saw him, he had become increasingly hostile toward me and dismissive of my feelings. I had been incredibly sad and depressed ever since he left months before, yet I couldn't talk to him about it. Any time I tried to bring up my feelings, he told me that I was bringing him down, and that I was being unsupportive of him, and that he was tired of hearing about it. Most of our conversations quickly devolved into arguments and him yelling at me if he even heard a hint of sadness in my voice.

So I stopped saying much. I pulled back and quit reaching out to him. I became afraid to open up to him, because I was so tired of fighting. I accepted that I was alone in my feelings. I didn't even talk to my friends or family about it, because I knew that he would be angry if he found out I went to them instead of him. So I was sad and depressed and incredibly lonely. And exhausted.

It was a big deal to me that I wasn't even excited about seeing him. On every trip prior, I had been counting down the days and minutes until I could see him again. This time, I was dreading it. I knew that things were not going to go well. I knew we were going to argue. I could feel that our marriage was crumbling.

This feeling was further confirmed as I arrived to my airport. I called him to let him know I would be getting on the plane soon, and he informed me that he had to work and wouldn't be able to pick me up. I said "Ok, no problem," but I apparently sounded too sad, and he immediately began to scream at me that it wasn't his fault he had to work and he couldn't believe I was pissed at him for not picking me up. I tried to remain calm and tell him that I understood and that I wasn't angry, just disappointed, and he continued to scream at me. I had to put the phone down. I was crying, there in the airport, at the gate. About to board a plane to go see him.

It took me until a layover in Paris for me to say to myself "Ok. You're halfway there now. Just be excited about this." I still wasn't excited, but the dread had started to recede a bit.

When I arrived at the airport there, his dad picked me up. And I spent the next 9 hrs with his dad. As soon as my husband came home, he gave me a peck on the lips and then turned on the tv to watch his team's soccer match. I even said "Hey, it's not like I just flew 3000 miles to see you or anything..." He put his arm around me and continued to watch soccer.

That night, we went to bed, and he stayed up playing video games. Any silly ideas I had of a blissful reunion were out the window. After a little while, I asked him to please come to bed and at least hug me. So he hugged me for a minute or so, and then got back up to play video games. I asked him to please stop and come and lay with me so we could hold each other and catch up, since we hadn't seen each other for four months! He grudgingly did. But of course, it started an argument about how I was being so selfish, and why didn't I just tell him if I wanted him to come to bed (I thought that was what I did?).

The argument kept going from there. All of the sadness and insecurity I'd been feeling for the last 4 months bubbled up. And he only saw it as an attack on him, and me being unsupportive of him, because I dared be sad that my husband had left. Then he uttered the phrase that will stick with me for the rest of my life, and the moment I knew I couldn't be married to him: "Don't ever make me choose between my career and you, because I can tell you right now, you won't win."

In that moment, I stopped speaking. I don't know that any phrase has ever hurt me so much. I just hung my head. My heart dropped. He finally said what I had known for months now--that I was not his priority and never would be. It devastated me. I began to cry quietly.

"What, so you want a divorce now?! Is that what you want?!" he yelled.
"No, that just really hurt me to hear. I want us to work things out. I don't understand what happened."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore!"And with that, he went back to playing his video game.

And I laid in bed and cried. When he finally did come to bed, he was angry at me because I was moving around too much, because I was emotionally upset and also jetlagged and couldn't sleep. "You just don't stop, do you?!" He fell asleep, and I moved to the floor, where I would have more room since he was taking up the entire bed.

That was night one. The rest of the trip got worse from there.

Part of the reason I went to visit him then was that I had a friend getting married in a neighboring country that week, so we were going to go to her wedding. On the way there, I got a call from the friend who was sitting my dog that she was no longer able to dogsit. I began to cry from the stress, and my husband yelled at me, saying "If this is how you're going to act, we're not going to go anywhere!" I told him that it was sad that he couldn't just be supportive and help me try to think of a solution. He told me that I just had terrible friends, and if it had been HIS friends, this never would have happened.

When we finally got to the hotel, we were able to get in touch with one of his friends to take over watching the dog. I was relieved, but utterly exhausted. As I got into bed, he said "You don't seem happy that my friend is taking over," and I said "No, I'm very happy, I'm just really tired and need to sleep." And he proceeded to yell at me about how much better his friends are than mine, and he was going to text my friend and give her an earful about what a terrible person she is. I said "Please don't do that. Please just let me handle it when I get home. She's my friend, so please just let me deal with it later."

That sent him into a rage unlike any I've ever seen. In his mind, I was putting my friend's needs (to not be yelled at) above his need (to give her a piece of his mind) and was choosing her over him. He saw it as the ultimate act of betrayal, told me he hated me and wanted to be as far away from me as possible. His screaming was so loud that someone from the hotel had to come up and ask him to please be quiet, because fellow occupants were complaining. He then announced that he was going to sleep in the car and didn't want to see me.

I laid in bed, shaking. I had never been afraid that he may hurt me physically before, but his rage terrified me, and I didn't know what he was capable of. It was especially scary, too, because I was in a foreign country where I didn't fluently speak the language, and he had the car. I thought he might just leave me there (since he'd informed me earlier in the day that he didn't want to be there anyway, and if we weren't married he would have gone instead to see his soccer team play hours away). I began to think of ways for me to get home without him.

He came back into the room a bit later. Of course he wasn't actually going to sleep in the car. I stayed as far away from him in bed and he eventually tried to put his arm around me. I didn't sleep at all that night.

When I look back at all of the beautiful pictures that were taken during that trip, all I can think of is how sad and scared I was. To me, those pictures show the beginning of the end of our marriage, and of the person I thought I knew. There's one set of pictures in particular that were taken at my friend's wedding...we were off in the corner by ourselves, but the photographer had spotted us and took a whole series of pictures of us smiling at each other, making funny faces at each other, and finally of him hugging me tightly. I remember in that moment feeling so loved and happy to be with him, despite everything that happened at the hotel the night before. What I didn't realize until after I saw the whole string of pictures weeks later was that he had seen the photographer taking pictures of us, and immediately after hugging me, gave a "thumbs up" and a wink to the camera. It hadn't been real. It was posed on his part. I was just an unaware participant who thought that he was hugging me because he loved me and wanted to do it in that moment. Basically the entire ordeal is a metaphor for our entire marriage.

The day I came home, I passed a kidney stone and developed a UTI. Being with him for 10 days had literally made me sick. My body was trying to tell me something, but it took my brain awhile longer to finally really listen.

Well, that was fast...

My lawyer works at superhuman speeds. She just emailed me letting me know that she filed my divorce petition with the state. And upon receiving the email, and the attached document listing "my name vs. his name", I promptly began to sob at my desk...it's not even a desk, actually. It's a spot at a table in an open-concept office. So I sobbed at my spot, in the middle of everyone.

It's the right thing. My brain knows it's the right move, and the only way to be happy again, eventually, down the line. But my heart hurts. My heart never wanted this.

I didn't marry him because I wanted it all to go down in a ball of flames. I wanted him to be who I thought he was, who I knew he could be. I wanted the life I thought we'd have. I thought he was IT for me, and I thought we'd be so happy. I wanted a life and a family with him. I wanted to share everything and make memories with him and grow old together. I fought for that, as hard as I could, for as long as I could.

But it never happened. Reality never matched up with how I thought things would be. And giving up on that hope has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I had so much hope. But there was only so much pain and sadness I could stand, and only so long I could wait.

I tried to call him tonight to let him know that the papers were filed on my end. He didn't answer. Just like he hasn't answered the last two times I've tried to call him. It's for the best, because the first two times I tried I really wanted him to talk me out of it. I was waiting to file for divorce until I was SURE there was no way for us to fix things. But he was too busy to talk to me, just like he always has been, and each day we didn't talk, I got stronger. And I realized that each time he was too busy for me, he reminded me of my place in his life. I never came first, and I never would. He never wanted to hear about my feelings. 

So thank you, husband, for ignoring my calls and my attempts to talk to you. You got what you wanted. You lost me, and now you'll never have to hear about my pesky feelings ever again. 

To my husband:

I wish you hadn't been too busy with friends and appearances and events to talk to me the last few weeks.

I wish you hadn't left me for a job abroad almost as soon as we finally started our life together. 

I wish you would have listened to me and empathized instead of getting angry and yelling at me every time I tried to tell you I was sad and missed you. 

I wish you would have come back when you said you would. 

I wish you hadn't declared that we had nothing in common and no future and walked out on me a few months ago. I wish you hadn't started another relationship while I was still fighting to make ours work. 

I wish she hadn't been paying for your life--no, I wish you hadn't LET HER pay for your life.

I wish you hadn't lied and tried to gaslight me and make me seem crazy when I asked you about her.  

I wish you had let me into your life--

I wish you'd let me meet your friends, go to your events, be a part of the things that were important to you.  

I wish you would have been a part of my life, and been there for me on important days and during important times when I wanted and needed you there. 

I wish I hadn't so often been alone, or a third wheel, because my husband wasn't around. 

I wish you'd shown me vulnerability instead of anger and rage and defensiveness. 

I wish that so much could have been different. 

I wish it hadn't come to this.

In the beginning

Today is a sad day. Some days I just wake up and know its going to be a sad one. Sometimes it fluctuates from minute to minute or hour to hour between sadness and anger. But today is just overwhelmingly sad.

Today I sent the agreement to the divorce attorney, along with her retainer fee that cleared out the little bit of savings I had. Today I formally started the process to end my marriage..the marriage I thought would last for the rest of my life. The marriage I thought was so perfect and I felt so lucky to have found.

That's the hardest part. It wasn't always bad. In fact, it was consistently fantastic for awhile. It felt like a fairytale, which I guess should have been a red flag, but instead, I just enjoyed it and thought that "This must be what a GOOD relationship feels like!" There were always little things that turned into bigger things that turned into red flags, but I thought that every couple had problems, and those were just ours. I knew that no one was perfect, myself included, and I was dedicated to working through everything together. I loved him so much. Unfathomable amounts of love. I still love him. The truth is, I will always love him, despite everything. And even in the end, we still had some great times, and great days. 

In the beginning, we would talk for hours every single day. We had everything in common. He told me how beautiful I was, he listed off my positive characteristics like it was a grocery list. I thought that had finally found the person who really saw me for me, and who liked what he saw. I thought he saw my value, where all others had taken me for granted.  I felt so lucky and so blessed to have finally found a man who reciprocated my love and who thought I was as special as I thought he was.

Even in the bad times that followed, I kept coming back to that. I came back to the beautiful, romantic way we met--I was on vacation that I almost didn't take, at an event I wasn't even invited to and almost didn't go to, in a country where I didn't speak the language. I thought about the dreams I had before I met him--literal, actual dreams--which showed me not only his city, but our future. I even got his first name in a dream. I thought of how neither of us were supposed to be in the place where we were when we met. It was all fate, I thought. I truly believed that. I believed that he was my soulmate, and that I met him because I'd finally done enough work on myself to attract someone like him.

I was so wrong.

But I do believe that he also believed this. The problem is, that he believed it for self-serving purposes. And he's believed it for everyone he met before me, and for everyone who will come after me. Everyone is the next perfect love. Everyone is the one who will solve all of his problems. I wasn't special to him, I was just the one who served him best in the moment when he met me. He was still in love, whatever that meant for him, with his ex. Yet he had just broken up with a different girlfriend--a different woman than the one he was still in love with. I also found out just before he left that he had ANOTHER relationship going while he was with the girlfriend while he was still in love with his ex. That third woman was still in the picture months into our relationship (it's amazing what one can figure out by women who suddenly blocked me on facebook at the time, and by the ones who have done the same thing recently). They were dropping like flies for months after we first met, and he admitted that some of them were in love with him, but he didn't  feel the same way about them, because "he can't be everything to everyone." But I let it slide, because I had also had past loves, some of whom I was still in contact with. I also had to let a few guys down easy--ones that I was casually dating, because I knew as soon as I met him that I wanted to be with him and no one else. I thought we were in the same boat.

We weren't. 

I guess the silver lining in all of this is that he showed me how much I am capable of loving someone, and the extents to which I will go to for love. I had never felt more connected to another person, or to myself and my spirituality. I've never been a pray-er, but I was praying for him and for us every night. I counted the days until I could see him again. I wrote gushing love emails and sent cards and little gifts I would see that reminded me of him. I was a pretty amazing girlfriend in those early days.

Then I started to realize that he'd never bought me anything. He'd never once given me a gift, not even on Christmas or for our anniversary or my birthday. In fact, in the three years we were together, he was never with me on my birthday. There was always work or something more important, or, this year, he was with the other woman out at  a club...when I'd scheduled a vacation just for us. 

I went on vacation alone. 

I had a king bed and a hot tub in the honeymoon suite, alone. 

I went to dinner on my birthday, alone.

And what started as a sad day just turned back into an angry one...all I have to do is remember the way things went down in the last year, and how virtually nothing I ever gave, emotional or physical, was reciprocated. I have to remember the person he was in the last year or two instead of how good it was in the beginning.