I am not ok

Not gonna lie, life is pretty rough right now. 2015 has been, by far, the worst year of my life. I'd like to punch life in the face.

My dog is sick. That maybe doesn't sound that bad, but my dog is my constant companion. Last fall, when I was starting to feel suicidal, he was literally the only thing that got me up in the morning. I would not have gotten out of bed, much less out of the apartment many days, were it not for him. And even his illness is indirectly related to the divorce. For a little while, he had someone with him 24/7 while my husband was here. When he left, it went back to me being home really only nights and weekends, and the dog being left home alone for most of the day. After a few weeks of that, he got increasingly bored, and started getting into more and more trouble, which included eating about 50% of the bathroom garbage three weeks ago. Three weeks ago I was on my period. You do the math. 

As a result, my dog has been puking and pooping out bits of tampon applicators, wrappers, and pantiliners for the last three weeks. Just when I think the last of it has come out, I find more. Yesterday, he had explosive diarrhea all day long, and then at 2am, he added projectile vomiting. He vomited up what appeared to be two entire tampon applicators, but google told me that vomiting + diarrhea are potential symptoms of intestinal blockages in dogs, so I threw on clothes, called an Uber car, and took him to the dog ER at 4:30am. 

Upon arrival, he promptly pooped all over the waiting room, and then flipped the fuck out on the two lovely vets who tried to examine him (because he had a HORRIBLE vet experience two weeks ago when I tried to take him to a local vet, who traumatized him, charged $300 and did nothing). They muzzled him and had to sedate him with opiates to take xrays. The xrays were inconclusive, and the vet said that he would need more tests and to be hospitalized, just to be safe. Safety, in this case, would cost $2,500. I cried, right there, while talking to the vet. "I'm going through a divorce and I can't afford anything and I haven't slept and I'm a mess and I'm really sorry!" Ultimately I made the choice to bring him home and monitor him myself. So right now I have a very high dog who has hardly moved all day long. 

There is an added layer of bitterness in that my husband left me with the dog, as much as I love the dog and wanted to keep him. I never wanted to be a single pet parent. I purposefully never got a dog because I knew I didn't have the money or the time to put into a dog. Yet my husband bought him as a "surprise" for me, moved himself and the dog in with me, and then he promptly left me "for work," leaving me to take care of the dog alone. And now that he's gone for good, I have another 10 years to take care of this dog, alone. And having just spent my entire savings on an "uncontested divorce" (more on that in a moment", I really didn't have the $2,500 to spend on putting my dog into inpatient hospital care for a few days. 

Then there is the uncontested divorce I paid for. My lawyer made it clear that my (sizeable) retainer fee covered only an uncontested divorce, meaning that my husband and I both agreed to it and weren't asking for anything from each other. If it got more complicated than that, or if she had to negotiate with his lawyer, I would owe 4x what I've already paid to continue it.

Naturally, he is contesting the fact that I filed "no fault" (meaning he did nothing wrong...yeah, I filed that before I knew JUST HOW MUCH he'd done wrong) and am asking him for nothing. Though I could rightfully ask for 50% of household expenses for the last three years, plus 100% of his greencard fees that my family and I paid for plus 100% of my legal fees, I'm asking him for nothing. And he's fighting me.

In order to sign, according to his lawyer, he wants:

1. Me to make all of my social media private.
2. A "formal apology" to be issued to all of his friends and family, as well as to him himself, for "ruining his reputation"
3. Me to contact the mother of his son in order to "normalize relations" between the two of them (even though their "normal relation" was no relation at all, and has been that way for years)
4. Me to sign something stating that I will not contact the media to tell my story
5. Me to sign HIS divorce papers, so that he doesn't have to pay to have mine translated and notarized in order to be recognized in his country.

So basically, he's still trying to control me, my behavior, and my speech. He's TERRIFIED that people close to him might begin to realize who he really is, so he essentially wants me to sign a gag order. He's blaming me for his ex-girlfriend cutting off communication between him and his son. Personally, I think she is totally justified, but I never suggested that nor had anything at all to do with it. Her decision is her decision, and it's between the two of them. It's still all about him and what's best for him. Because of course it is. Only he would put up a fight and make me stay married to him unless he can guarantee that he can control my behavior.

Well, he can't. I refuse to sign anything. I'll start from square one and re-file with grounds of adultery and abuse if I have to. Then it will be public record, and there's nothing he can do about it. I have all the proof I need. The only thing I don't have is the money to do it. 

Then there is my job, which has traditionally been the bright spot in my life lately. Today it was announced that a majorly high-up person was leaving to pursue other opportunities, which means that a bunch of people are getting shuffled around, my boss included. I don't know yet how it will affect me and my responsibilities, but I know it will. And I was just getting into a routine, which was nice since my brain has been anything but focused the last few months. Now everything is uncertain. After I listened to the conference call where the announcement was made, I cried.

It's all just too much. I was supposed to take a vacation next week, which is DESPERATELY needed, but now with my dog being sick and potentially needing surgery, I don't know if that's going to happen. Plus, I can't afford it anyway, but was doing it for me, to try to heal. 

Life needs a swift kick in the groin right now. 

Mine!

My friend who is the mother of a toddler posted this tonight:

I realized that it is also exactly how a narcissist views all of his relationships. 

Today, my husband had his lawyer threaten to sue me for "psychological damages" to him for talking to his friends and family. That's right. He's still trying to control me, and keep me from talking about him to anyone, which, granted, he successfully did for three years. But now that I'm going rogue and contacting his friends and family to thank them for their kindness to me, and mention that I'm really sad about the way things happened, and that learning the truth was worse than I could have imagined, but I'm still happy I got to meet them...now he is FLIPPING HIS SHIT that his cover is being blown to those closest to him. 

Here is an excerpt from the letter my lawyer and I received from his lawyer today (her English is not great):

"Mrs. [my name] decided to break the electronic correspondence of her husband, his friends and family, and developed a campaign of intimidation, blackmail and threats. Indeed, she disclosed aspects of the private life of our Client, she talked to the mother of his son, who from that moment, prevented the contact of our Client with his son and threatened to use the media to undermine professionally. Now all these attitudes have created serious psychological damage and damage to the image of our Client, that if Mrs. [my name] do not stop immediately and do not send to all the people who contacted, a formal apology and equal request to our Client, will be the subject for compensation in action brought for that purpose. I hope that with the good offices of the Honorable Colleague to regularize the behavior of your Client, all this issues can be resolved in a civilized and concordat way the matter of divorce."

I like that I had a "campaign." It feels so...presidential. The best part is the part about the mother of his son. Yes, I did email her. And it was fantastic. I had never spoken to her in the three years we were together, but I thought about her often. I couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for her to have him leave her while she was 7 months pregnant. And the more he revealed himself to me, the more I had utter empathy for her, and wanted to let her know that it wasn't her. What's really great, is that she let me know that her husband had already adopted their son, their son already has her husband's last name, and their son calls her husband "daddy." What's more, I know that my husband hadn't seen his son in person since 2012. He almost never paid child support. And she had restricted the amount she allowed their son to see him on Skype, and at the point when he and I were last together in person, he hadn't Skyped with him in over three months. Yet he got his lawyer to believe that this was all because of me. And wants to sue me for it! 

It's really amazing. But it's also proof that he really did see his relationships as his and his alone. Nothing was shared. I was not allowed to interfere, or even HAVE a real relationship, with any of his friends (or mine, or my family, for that matter). He was always afraid that I would talk about him...that his mask would get cracked, and that people might begin to hear the truth and see him for who he really is. 

So, I was successful, I guess, in making him LOSE HIS SHIT at the prospect of his cover being blown. I actually didn't smear him to anyone. I was way more respectful than I wanted to be, and far more respectful than what he deserves. I didn't go to the press, even though I could have--and still can--and still might. I do have pictures of him with his girlfriend, pictures of him fucking her and holding her. The evidence is clear-cut. 

In fact, if he wants me to issue a "formal apology" (HAHAHA! NO.) to his friends and family, I COULD tell everyone the entire story, and attach the pictures. And my apology would read something like this:

"I'm sorry that your son/friend is a psychopath. 

I'm sorry that he's had/has you fooled, just as much as he had me fooled. 

I'm sorry that he fathered a child with another woman outside of our marriage, and now he's freaking out a little bit. He must be really hard to deal with right now.

I'm sorry that ever doubted what I knew to be true in my gut, even for one second.

I'm sorry that I continued to give him endless chances to hurt me, lie to me, and betray me, for the last three years.
I'm sorry that I gave everything I had to him emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and financially, and he gave me absolutely nothing in return.

Here's a picture of his dick in her twat. 

I'm sorry it's so veiny and ugly, and I'm sorry her vagina kinda looks like an alien face."